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Harness That Light



She doesn’t know how she’s managed to survive these last six weeks.   The only thing keeping Felicity going is the fact she has a job, well two jobs really because the criminals of Starling City haven’t decided to take a vacation just because The Arrow has.  At least that’s what Felicity is calling  it because if she even thinks the words that Oliver is dead, she turns into an emotional mess.  


So here she is at Palmer Technologies, focused on her day job that pays the bills and health and dental, trying desperately not to think about Oliver.  It’s pretty much impossible since she works in the same office that was his last year.  


Although being at The Foundry was a  hundred times worse because there is where it all started and ended for them; and, her focus inadvertently always veered to the case where his Arrow suit stood.  A suit she wished had a body inside, one she could run to and hug  and tell him how she feels.  Tell him that she loves him and wants to be him - but, that’s not possible, because he’s not there and never will be again.  So to keep her sanity and function like an everyday person the blonde keeps things as rote as possible.


First, she hits the snooze button five times before getting up to a sea of wet tissues surrounding her bed, and then throws away said tissues before talking herself out of working out and taking a shower instead.  Then she moves to blow dry her hair, and get dress.  Followed by filling her travel mug with coffe and heads to Palmer Technologies.  The system works - for about one hour till she arrives at her day job and the memories start to flood her all over again.  It’s getting better though, she’s managed now to get through a few days of work without becoming a bubbling mess, that is, until she heads to her night job.


Felicity sighed caught in her musings, doubting it would truly ever get better.  For how could it.  The man she’s been in love with for past three years is now dead and she never told him how she felt.  If there was anything in this life she would regret was not telling Oliver Queen before he left to face the Demon how she truly felt in her heart.  He may have know, but it didn’t matter, for Felicity never told him; and for that she will never forgive herself - for denying him that one thing before he died.


Suddenly she was caught out of her reverie when she heard her name through the intercom of her work phone.


“Felicity, can you please come to my office.  There’s something I want to show you.”


Sighing once more, the blonde rose to head to her boss’s office.  Things with Ray had been a little strained since Oliver left.  It wasn’t his fault.  All he did was share his vision for Starling City, and even though she knew his motivation and intentions for buying Queen Consolidated it was hard to really drum up any enthusiasm at this point.  Secretly, she’d even contemplated quitting, but then what would pay her bills, and she had to live.  


Occasionally, she would even toy with the idea of heading to Central City to help Caitlin, Barry and Cisco to avoid all the reminders of Oliver, but she knew deep down she would never leave Roy and John.  Plus, the only hero she wanted to work for was gone, so going to assist another one didn’t really seem like a smart solution.


As she headed to Ray’s office, Felicity kept her gaze straight ahead, and focused so as not to catch anyone’s attention.  She really hated small talk at this point, and didn’t want to be put in a position where she had to engage in conversation.  


Calmly she entered the room, but once she did the blonde couldn’t stop the gasp that expelled from her mouth at what she saw - for there in the center of his office was a glass case which housed a suit, a hero suit.  Only this one wasn’t green, it was blue.  It didn’t have a hood, but it did have a mask, and suddenly Felicity couldn’t breath.  As she gasped for air, slightly bent over, Felicity knew she couldn’t do this, she couldn’t be here right now.


Using the last reserve of strength, the blonde slowed her respirations and turned to address her boss.


“Ray, I can’t do this right now.”


“What.  What do you mean?” The surprise evident in his voice as he approached her, only to watch as Felicity took a step back away from him.


She saw the disappointment in his eyes for her actions, but sadly she didn’t care, not right now; and, maybe that made her mean and callous but  at this point it didn’t matter.  


“I thought….I thought you’d be excited to see the suit finally in real form.”


“Maybe another time,” she said.


And then without saying another word  in the way of an explanation Felicity turned  practically running out of the room .  


But before she crossed the threshold, she glanced back at her boss and tried to offer somewhat of an explanation, even if it was extremely lame. “I just can’t Ray.  I for.., forgot.  There’s,...., there’s somewhere I need to be right now.  I’ll talk to you later.”  And with that she was gone.



******



It took Felicity all of fifteen minutes to get to her destination, but another five to get her emotions in check before exiting the car.  As she headed to the front door, she took several long deep breaths before knocking.


As it opened she could hear the bewilderment in the recipient's voice as they addressed her,  “Felicity, what are you doing here?”


“Can I come in,” was all she could get out before taking another deep breath to keep the tears from taking shape and flowing unceremoniously down her cheeks.


“Of course.”


The first thing Felicity noticed as Thea motioned for her to enter the loft she and her brother had shared was the huge Christmas tree that took up most of the far side of the room, one that still had all the decorations adorning the large pine and the unopened presents which sat below it.


As if Thea could read Felicity’s mind she explained, “I didn’t have the heart to take it down or open the presents.  Roy offered to help, but it was the last thing Ollie and I did together as brother and sister, and I...just couldn’t.”


She gave the petite brunette a compassionate, knowing look, as the younger woman motioned for her to sit on the large couch next to the tree.  


As Thea joined her, the younger woman gave her a questioning look as she pulled her legs underneath her.  “So tell me what are you doing here?”


Felicity turned slightly towards Thea, and probably would have moved her legs in the same position as her if only she wasn’t wearing a straight pencil skirt, her normal work attire.  “Honestly, I don’t really know.  I just suddenly felt this overcoming need to see you.”


“Why?” Thea immediately blurted out.  Then looked contrite by her outburst.  “I’m sorry. That probably sounded awfully rude.  It’s just that we don’t really know each other that well so why would you come to see me.”


Felicity nodded in agreement as she explained.  “Oliver,...Oliver, he was my friend.  A very good friend, and I wanted to see how you were doing.”


Thea eyed her curiously.  “How good of a friend?  For my brother wasn’t known for having girl friends.”


Felicity couldn’t help the blush that arose on her cheeks at the girl’s implication.  “If you’re asking if we were involved.  We weren’t, but….”


“But…”


Sighing, Felicity closed her eyes and tried to choose her words carefully before opening them again and gazing directly into Thea’s green ones.  “Oliver and I…, Oliver and I, we were... complicated.”


“Complicated, huh.  Sounds like a cop out to me,” Thea countered while waving her hand in the air.


Felicity smiled in response because she knew it was true.  It’s just, she didn’t know how to describe, to anyone really, about her and Oliver.  She wished it was as simple as that she loved him, and he loved her.  But it wasn’t.  And how did Felicity explain to Thea what Oliver had meant to her and what she believed she meant to him without discussing his secret of being The Arrow.  As far as she knew, Thea was still in the dark about Oliver’s nighttime activities.


Suddenly, the blonde looked over at the younger woman when she realized her companion had grown unexpectedly quiet.  She eyed Thea carefully noticing the brunette had become very melancholy.  She could tell as her posture was now slumped on the couch and a glassy sheen shown  just on the corners of her eyes.


Without conscious thought Felicity grabbed Thea’s hand and immediately felt the girl tense at the contact as if  she had forgotten Felicity was even in the room.  


She watched as Thea drew her eyes towards hers, and asked, “what can you tell me about what really happened to my brother?  I mean Roy, told me, about...you know, him dying.  But I want to know more.  I need to know more.


Felicity gave herself a moment to collect her thoughts, for a big part of her wanted to ask her what Malcolm Merlyn had told her, but she knew that was dangerous territory so instead she tried to veer the conversation into a different direction until she could figure out how to answer Thea’s question.


“Has Roy been helping?”


Thea regarded Felicity, telling her guest with her eyes that she knew the blonde was trying to change the subject and I guess for the moment Thea let her because she answered her question.


“Roy’s been great,” she said.  “He’s stayed with me every night since we got the news on Ollie, and...it’s been a big help.”


“Are you two back together?”  Felicity asked, for Roy hadn’t mentioned anything to her.


Thea eyed her once more before responding,  “not that I know you well enough to answer that question…”


“I’m sorry.  I guess it was my turn to be rude, but…”


The brunette waved her off, prompting Felicity to be quiet so Thea could continue.


“It’s fine.   I know you and Roy are friends, and it’s okay for you to ask.  As for an answer,..no, Roy and I are not back together; but, it’s been really great to have him around.  And it’s help, you know, dealing with the loss.”


Felicity nodded and wanted to say she understood, but then thought better of it.  Because once again she would have to explain her and Oliver, and she still wasn’t sure how to do just that.


Thea immediately took her mind off that problem, when she asked Felicity once more to explain what really happened to Oliver.


Felicity, tugged at an invisible thread on her skirt, trying in vain to think of what to say before returning her eyes back to Thea.


“I’m not sure what I’m suppose to tell you…”


But then Felicity was interrupted by someone else in the room, a voice she never thought she’d hear again.


“Let me help you with that.”


Both pairs of eyes turned to the new visitor, and Felicity stunned, watched as Thea jumped off the couch and ran into Oliver’s waiting arms.  She couldn’t believe it, he was here.  He wasn’t dead.  She was in such shock at the site before her, she was frozen in place and didn’t know how to move her body forward towards them, towards him.


She heard Thea ask, “Ollie, where have you been?”  But he didn’t answer, just pulled his sister closer to his body, and Felicity could only stand there, and gaze at the pair in front of her.  


Unaware, she found her voice and asked, “how?”


She watched as the siblings drew apart and Oliver looked at her intensely with his dark blue eyes and said, “I’ll explain everything later.  Right now all I want to do is wrap my arms around the woman I love.”


It was those words that spurred Felicity into action, and without even realizing it, she had run into Oliver’s arms just as Thea had moments ago and started to cry as she felt his strong arms wrap around her.


She couldn’t stop crying as she felt his hand rub up and down her back trying to soothe her as he whispered, “shhh” in her ear, even though it should have been her doing the comforting not the other way around.  Eventually her sobs softened and she felt Oliver’s lips close to her ear as he quietly said, “You’ve lost weight.”


Felicity smiled as her head laid over his heart.  “So have you.” she countered, and as she spoke she felt Oliver smile into her hair as he bent down and pulled her closer.  She reveled in the feel of him, surrounding her, and taking all the sorrow she had felt for the past six weeks from her body and replacing it with him.  


She suddenly realized she had been given that second chance and pulled only slightly away staying in his hold but now looking him in the eye.  She took his face within her hands, his stubble now longer than usual scratching the soft skin of her palms, and if felt so good to feel that, feel him against her that she almost forgot what she wanted to say.


“I love you Oliver Queen.”


She felt him sag into her, the relief and joy of those words evident when he pulled her once more closer to him and brought his mouth to hers.  It was a chaste kiss, but he lingered as he had with her forehead six long weeks ago, and Felicity sighed into his mouth as nothing had felt better than his lips upon hers.


The pair then heard someone clear their throat, and the two looked over at Thea, Oliver smiled as Felicity buried her face into his throat, embarrassed by her actions.  For here, she finally declared her love for him and it was in front of the man’s baby sister.


“Complicated huh,” was all the younger woman said as Oliver released one arm from Felicity, and motioned for Thea to join them.


It was there the three stood wrapped around each other for several minutes, no one saying a word before they finally broke apart.


It was Thea that broke the silence.  “Ollie, what happened?”


Felicity could tell Oliver was exhausted.  So before he answered she grabbed his hand and said, “let’s all sit, huh.”


Oliver looked over at her, his expression grateful as the trio moved over to the large couch and as they did, Felicity whispered into Oliver’s ear, “does Diggle and Roy know?”  She watched Oliver nod in response as he whispered back, ‘The Foundry was the first place I went looking for you.  They were there but you weren’t.   Diggle tried to text you but your phone must have been off.  I snuck into Que..Palmer Technologies, but you weren’t there either.  That’s when I came here.”


“Well, I’m glad you found me,” Felicity whispered back before they all sat down.


As they did, Oliver first grabbed Felicity’s hand and then grabbed his sister’s and squeezed it before responding to her question.  “I’ll explain everything later Speedy, but right now all I want to do is wrap my arms around the two women I love and sleep.”


And they did just that.  Thea eventually moving herself to her bedroom and leaving Felicity and Oliver wrapped in each other’s arms.


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